Who sucks? I DO!

What's better than being a shitty blogger? Being a shitty blogger who forgets her password to get into her blog! Who do I speak such ill words about? Yup, you guessed it, ME! It's been quite a while since my last blog. I built it up and left all of my 3 fans waiting to see what happened. I suck. Being that my 3 followers are my closest friends they pretty much received texts, emails, and phone calls ranting about my 'lent challenge' and everyday life. So to sumize my 'challenge' - it sucked. Every single 40 days of the challenge, sucked a giant nut. What made it even more excruciating then I was already expecting it to be was that NO ONE had faith in me. I was determined to make it 40 days without sugar. The first week wasn't so bad. I managed, patted myself on the back and basically praised my self for my self control and determination. I was going to rock this challenge hands down. Suck on that all of you nay sayers, I shall prevail, and when I do I'm celebrating with a big fucking brownie sundae and yes I WILL lick the bowl.

Looking back, I laugh now because it was sheer torture after that first week. God was testing me in every way to see if I would cave and do what I normally do under immense pressure: eat chocolate. I came close many times to diving into the bag of chocolate chips in my fridge like a monkey on a cupcake. My husband thought it would be nice to stock up the house with chips ahoy for the moment I did cave I could throw myself into a diabetic coma immediately.

I had the 40th day marked on my calendar. I knew when it was by heart, and what I would do to celebrate my triumph. Thankfully Lent ended, or when I thought lent ended, was at the beginning of our family trip to St. Croix. My husband had to stay back because he couldn't get off work so it was me and my 2 daughters, one is 3 1/2 the other just turned 1, taking a 9 hour trip to St. Croix to meet my in-laws. YUP! Bert really fucked me over with that one. Knowing my luck I made sure we had the top of the line double stroller because there was NO way I was manning this trip of 2 flights without the necessary materials. And I took EVERY necessary thing. No flight attendant would fuck with a woman coming to the gate with a double stroller, 2 car seats hanging off said stroller, a camera bag, computer bag, diaper bag, food bag, and Bjorn infant carrier. I was a woman on a mission and it sucked. This is just a taste of the stress I had to deal with during my lent challenge. Celebration was on the horizon so I took one for the team and made it to St. Croix barely unscathed.

Apparently when you load a double stroller down with 2 car seats, diaper bag, camera bag and computer bag, when you take the weight (my children) out of it, it will in fact flip backwards. I managed to scare many a passerby when they saw the stroller flip backwards and then glare at me when they realized the kids weren't in it. I thought I had it figured out so when I went to change my one year old, Allie and Madi jumped out of the stroller too I figured I'd catch the stroller with my foot, the stroller would stay up and I'd be Super Yoga mom of the year. It seems as though all the shit I had stacked on the back of the stroller weighed more than my tiny foot was going to hold down and the stroller flipped back with a vengence but not without digging one of the metal poles up my shin so I looked like I had a run in with a baseball bat during my whole SWIM SUIT CLAD vacation. Fucking awesome! Yup, by this time I would have sold a kidney for a lifesavers.

The 40th day comes and 41st morning arrives and I celebrate with a decadent mocha and buckets of ice cream for 2 days before my husband calls me and says "Did you know Lent ends this Sunday, not last Sunday?" I said "No honey, forty days was up 2 days ago. I counted on the calendar." I was going off of the movie "Forty Days, Forty Nights", where Josh Hartnett (YUM!) gives up sex for the duration of Lent hence the name of the movie, and not off of my Catholic upbringing where in fact I did attend Catholic school, uniforms and all, till 5th grade, went to CCD (yeah that's right, I"m bringing it back old school yo!), and even confirmation classes. Clearly I never paid much attention because everyone, even non-catholics, were telling me Lent ended on Easter, but Easter wasn't until the NEXT Sunday so that would have made it 47 Days and Nights and I KNOW Josh Hartnett would not lead me on like that. So to prove Bert wrong I looked it up on my Blackberry and it read, Lent started on February 17 and ended April 4.

FUCK ME!!! I just made it through 40 days without sweets of any kind to find out I fell a week short. (Insert pissing and moaning). SON-OF-A-BITCH! Give me a fucking donut. I guess I'll try again next year. So the moral of the story is, it pays to pay attention during school because if you don't the big man up stairs WILL have the last laugh. Also make sure you do your research because your efforts could account for shit. The end.

The Lent Challenge...

I am an avid chocolate lover. A lover of sweets of any kind really. Chocolate, cupcakes, brownies, cookies...you see where I'm going with this. I've always had a sweet tooth and have never gone without some sort of sweet delishiciousness, unless I've been too sick to consume anything. So I felt like I needed an intervention of sorts, which is why I decided to give up my addiction to chocolate, sugar, sweets, and any yummy delishicousness for Lent. Like a heroine addict giving up heroine (my father-in-laws response to my dedication), a smoker giving up cigarettes, Tiger Woods giving up Ambien induced sexual escapades with nasty stripper type woman..this will be the hardest thing I have ever done! I love sugar and all that is made from it. It fuels my life...and I gave it up for 40 days and nights. What the fuck was I thinking? So you guessed it I'm a raging bitch!

The challenge has been a 'plan in the making' because I have taken this love of desserts to an epic level. My husband brought home a package of chips ahoy cookies, which we never have in the house, not because I don't love cookies, but because I will eat them all if they are in the house. I proved my theory right - if cookies are in the house they will be consumed at an unhealthy speed. I managed to eat almost the entire package in 2 days while I sat in bed reading "Twilight" (I KNOW! How great are those books! If you roll your eyes at that it's because you haven't read them!). I began eating the cookies like they were popcorn, one right after another. I tried to be nice and save my husband a few, you know since he bought them so I left them near our bed. That night we were watching a movie and he said "Can you hand me the cookies?" Of course I could because I'm the best wife ever and I save my husband some cookies! I toss him the package and settle back into my cozy spot next to him. He opens the package and says "What the hell happened to all the cookies?" My response "Oh I ate some while I was reading, but I saved you a few." "A few?" Shake, shake, shake of the package to reveal 1/2 of a cookie, a few chocolate chips and some crumbs. "You ate the ENTIRE package?" "No of course not. You had some before I even ate any." I said. "Ok so say I ate 6 cookies out of the package that would mean you ate 32 cookies in 2 days." he said. To which I responded "Damn that's pretty impressive!" followed by hysterical laughter. After that it's been a joke around the house with Bert leaving packages of cookies on my bedside table and changing my nickname to "cookie monster"...asshole! So I finally decided I needed an intervention after consuming 4 homemade cinnamon rolls (not the pillsbury kind, the kind you ACTUALLY make from scratch with 14 sticks of butter and 5 pounds of sugar) and 3 cupcakes (from a box) in one day all because it started to snow and it seemed like a good idea. Who doesn't think "wow it's snowing out, let me get comfy, grab a cup of coffee, sit on the couch and dive face first into a diabetic coma?"

I started the challenge 6 days ago. At first it wasn't so hard because I was sick with meningitis...well really a sinus headache (but my 'hobby' of self diagonsis will become a blog I'm sure, but for now I digress!) and food of any kind just did not seem to appeal to me. Now that I am back on the mend I am having constant withdraws! My obsession is getting so bad I'm actually dreaming about eating desserts. Who does that?

So what does my sweet supportive husband do.....he opens the brand new box of chips ahoy cookies, that he asked me to get from the store earlier knowing full well that I couldn't eat them (Yes..I know I AM a good wife.) In hindsight I should have replied "How about I punch you in the junk and save ourselves some time". He proceeds to open the package of cookies and the smell immediately whafts into my face. Already I'm like a shark smelling blood in the water! It's all I can do to stay strong and he turns to me and says "I don't know how you can give these up. They are the most amazing cookies I've ever eaten. They are so light and airy it's like you're not even eating anything so I don't feel guilty. I mean even the chocolate chips are like tiny bits of heaven!" I said "Well I'm so glad that you like them because I you can have sex with them since you are now giving that up for Lent!" Suck on that bitch!